My mind tumbles memories of the summer events much like the view in the window of my dryer, watching them circle and spin, one tangling with the next, wrapping and rounding, warming and catching each other as if none of them have a shape or form of their own. I am mesmerized by the blend of beautiful colors created with flashbacks of family gathered, spirits deepened and friendships made over the past few months.
Suddenly the “buzzer” sounds and the “spinning” dream comes to a halt; gravity grounds me, everything feels heavier and colorless in the now.
In reality, the TV was just turned on, as my silent moment is gone.
“Mind if I watch for a little while?” my husband asks.
My head does that slight twitch to shake off the moment and I assure him that I’m done reading and get up to actually DO the laundry that has most likely mounded since last week.
But as I stand in the closet and sort the lights and darks, preparing for the task, I sort through my heart and wonder.
Why have I been so inactive lately?
Why have I not written or driven myself to write?
Why have I not pursued any new interests?
Why have I not read any new books?
Why have I not updated my website… like I promised myself?
I have rationalized that it was summer and I just wanted some peace after the long hectic school year and the busy move and travels of June and July.
As I reach for the last few items in my hamper, I hesitate… dark blue sleeves with a white bodice. Hmmm. Which pile?
Sorting is always hard at the end.
Is peace really what I was seeking, or was I simply stalling?
I realize that I have this sense that God has his finger poised above my shoulder, ready to tap me at any moment; ready to sort through the pieces of my life and interrupt what I’m doing for something He is doing.
And the sorting with God is quick. He’s got two basic piles.
His and mine.
There is no pile in between where we have a delicate cycle with a partial hand wash and lay flat to dry.
Nope. He just wants us to say, “Yes.”
Then He sorts us into the YES and NO piles and pushes START!
And I know that my place is to say, “Yes, Lord.”
I know that, without a doubt.
It happened just one year ago. He tested me. I believe I was faithful.
But then again, I did not sign the contract to renew and return to that school.
And one year later, here I am as the summer is coming to a close, I want to study, to write, to pursue a ministry for His glory.
But to be honest, compared to last year, I am not as enthusiastic.
I am not as outspoken.
I am not as tenacious.
I am not as persistent.
I am not as consistent.
And I do think about the days that go by and the things that I “could have” accomplished by now.
But I guess I keep waiting…
He will tap me on the shoulder and whisper, “Lisa, I have another assignment for you. Drop everything and follow.”
And all that I have begun,
poured my heart into,
Will be left hanging, undone
And then it hits me.
I stop sorting and began to weep!
Sobbing, head bowed.
I realized in that silent moment, as I contemplated my posture…
The only way that I can see it… as God tapping me on the shoulder is if…
I have my back turned to Him.
When this whole time, I honestly thought I was doing this FOR Him.
He whispered right to the heart of me to turn around, to face Him, to seek Him.
Not the kind of –Go to church on Sunday and have your own Quiet Time– kind of seek Him.
Seriously, I thought I WAS doing it.
He wants the –humbled, fall on my face, I can’t live a moment’s breath without You– kind of seek Him.
He wants me to seek Him and learn about Him with every passing moment.
- If I’m facing Him, there’s no need for Him to tap me on the shoulder.
- If I’m facing Him, I will see Him in all His glory in what He’s doing in my life and I will know my next step for Him.
- If I’m facing Him, I will see His hand coming and finger as it points in the direction of my life that He wants me to change.
Even if I end up wrestling for my will versus His, the only tapping that needs to happen here is mine when I “Tap Out,” and give in to what ever it is He has for me to learn.
And nothing I begin,
pour my heart into,
Will ever be left hanging, undone
Because it will be done FACING Him.
If I think I know anything about You, God, it’s not enough.
Who do I think I am?
Why do I think I am worthy?
He has humbled me today.
He has called me out.
He is a patient God.
Forgive me, Lord.
May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine on us–
so that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations.
May the peoples praise you, God; may all the peoples praise you.
“Your real, new self will not come as long as you are looking for it.
It will come when you are looking for Him.”