I had in fact, just driven this busy route from house to high school only moments ago… and I’m not a bus driver.
But as she grabbed her backpack and belongings from the back seat and turned to slam the car door before heading into the high school, I caught my daughter in a frozen stare. She was retracing steps in her mind, sorting through the images of this morning’s mad dash… where had she left it?
She began to rifle through the small pockets on the outside of each bag and then, as she peered into the gaping cavern of the mid-section of her backpack she looked up… “Mom, I forgot my ID!”
It was too late in the morning for her to travel back to the house with me to get it. She had an early practice with her coach before school started, and could not afford to miss it or be tardy. But that appointment bought me time to make the round trip before classes began to save her from uncertain discipline.
I didn’t even question it’s necessity.
Students are not allowed at school, or even school events, without their Student ID.
- It is proof of their identity.
- It is barcoded and linked to their records.
- It is plastic coated, hung on a lanyard and guarded.
- It is utilized in the library, computer lab and lunchroom.
- If is it missing, the student MUST report to the office to purchase a temporary ID. This incurs a fine. Limited instances are allowed, noted and accumulated.
- If too many violations occur, more severe punishment are enforced.
As I turned the car around in the parking lot, I glanced back and saw her standing still at the sidewalk looking forlorn. I circled back. When I rolled down my window, she apologized, “I forgot my phone, too.” Wrinkling her brow, she continued as if lost,” I don’t know how you can get a hold of me when you come back with it?”
I assured her that I would find her.
We arranged a specific time to meet back in the parking lot before school started and I drove away, peeking once more in the rearview mirror to make certain she was walking into school.
So as I drive down this deja vu road behind school buses and carpool moms, a haze takes over my mind and I’m in the slow motion movement called, “school zone” transported into a trance of deeper thought.
I can still see my daughter’s long face, frustrated by her own forgetfulness and anxious about her next steps.
I know all to well how she feels.
I too, recently lost my ID and am still struggling to find it amid the clutter.
Only my ID is not a plastic badge worn on a lanyard that can be taken on and off.
My search is taking me much longer than I had imagined, often, searching, struggling, wondering where it’s gone.
I’ve worked for years, longing for the time off to write.
My mind always streaming with thought and crazy ideas that I could never quite commit to paper.
The hands on the clock kept a pace I could never quite master, beating me in every race against time management.
When would I ever find time to write?
So I took a leap.
I MADE the time!
I quit my job… twice! (another story… too many details for one blog post)
But now that I have found the “time,” I have lost myself.
Without the constant stimulation of busyness and work, I have found myself lonely and feeling as if I have no purpose.
I know… you saying to yourself, “give me a little bit of that quiet time at home… I’ll know what do do with it.”
And at first, that’s exactly how I felt. It was great for the first few months.
But now that the kids are back in school, the quiet house is not a place of rest and writing.
Instead it is a place where doubts take over and dreams begin to die.
Without the daily rush of life, there are no “crazy, holy cow” ideas that I cannot wait to write about.
Without the job where someone expects you to show up, even if you’re late, there is no sense of purpose or feeling that you’re needed.
Without the tasks that you’re assigned, there is no deep sense of accomplishment or grand satisfaction.
This is not a “pity-party,” where I complain to you and you seek me out to cheer me up.
This is not a place for me to whine.
This is me… searching for my ID.
This is me… having lost something in the clutter of a fairly neat and organized home.
This is me… praying that God will use me and show me who I really am, stripped of all the things that I “thought,” I was.
Because I always thought I had my ID in hand.
I would have never considered it lost.
But stripped of everything else… voluntarily, I admit… I realize, that I really am not quiet certain that I ever defined myself properly.
I am not certain that many of us do.
You probably do. Hopefully, you have this much more together that .
But, do you know who you are?
If you were sitting on the couch in your house alone, right now…
in the quiet, honestly…
for days, alone,
would you be able to define yourself?
I hope you can.
And I certainly hope that it is deeper than I’ve found about myself.
I keep praying that God will bring back my dreams.
I keep praying that God will speak to my heart and give me the passion to write, once again.
I keep praying for wisdom, peace, courage and perseverance.
I keep calling out to the one God that knows me and is creating in me a new heart.
I wonder if God sees me like I saw my daughter standing on that high school curb, long faced and lost, wondering how and when she would connect with me again to grab a hold of her ID and cell phone.
Simply longing security and safety, knowing that she could stand firm throughout the school day with her ID around her neck and her cell phone in hand.
I long for that, as well: my secure identity and ability to always communicate clearly.
“Lord, fill me with the security of, not only who I am, but Whose I am, in You. Open Your arms so that I can lean fully on You. Open your ears to hear my cries. Know my heart and listen to my prayers. Fill me with Your Word and Your wisdom. Lord, I ask that You renew my dreams and my passion. I long to please You alone.”
“…I focus on this one thin: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.”
“You make known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence…”
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.”